He had but one flower – not a bouquet, not a wreath, just a single flower. This he pressed into her hands.
"Its fair petals are but a faint reflection of the beauty in your eyes, Lady Dulcina," he told her.
She blushed. "Fair words, good sheppard," she said sweetly. "I have only a small favor to offer you in return. And when you have won the contest I shall be honored to reward you with a kiss."
He quirked a smile and leaned in close. "Won't you kiss me now, sweet lady? One kiss, one small preview…To ensure my victory…"
She grinned and turned away from his outstretched face. Theatrically: "Nay, nay. Not until your victory is complete – for how sweeter the kiss once earned in brave battle. How my heart yearns for the moment when our lips will touch!"
He frowned. "You're sure you don't want - ? But I need that kiss to win, my dear." He planted his arms firmly around her waist.
"Nonsense," she said, pulling back, a little alarmed. "Why so impatient? It shan't be long now."
"But my good looks," he said. "And my rose--that rose is magic, you know." He turned his face up imploringly to the sky. "Come on, I'm seducing her!"
The voice of God, apparently, is not booming and forceful, but wheedling, normal. It came from nowhere. "Okay," God said. "Roll it."
The man has a set of dice and drops it immediately upon the ground. "Natural 20 with a plus-four seduction from the flower!" he announced with glee.
"No," the girl breathed. "No, no, no. You can't just roll like that. Don't I get a choice?"
God is infinitely patient. "Of course," he said soothingly. "What's your willpower?"
"It's not a question of willpower, it's a choice." Her arms were crossed angrily.
"But the flower. You have to resist it."
"We-ell," she said finally and slowly, "if it's magic, then I suppose I must…"
The dice were dropped again.
"YES!" she cheered. "Tie goes to the defender."
The man's face clouded over. He reached out and caught her wrist in one hand. "I don't have to seduce you," he said. "I need the kiss to win, and so I won't let you go until you've kissed me."
Angrily she tried to break free. "I can't kiss you until sundown, you fool," she snapped. "You will miss the competition, keeping me here like this."
"Then we are at an impasse," the sheppard said gruffly. From nowhere and everywhere, the wheedling voice of God sniggered.
"You both have the same strength modifiers, the same charisma modifiers, and the same intellect modifiers," God laughed. "Even the same protective charms around your necks. Statistically speaking, you'll both be here all day."
"Great," Dulcina grated. "All day. We've only got two options… Kiss now or kiss later, and I'm not kissing you now," she snapped. "I'll be a frog if I kiss before sunset tonight. Look, go find someone else to seduce? Someone weaker. Someone with better stats. Let GO."
"Wait," gasped the Sheppard, to the sky. "What was that you said about charms?"
"You each," said God, "have the same protective charm about your neck."
Dulcina stared at the Sheppard. "You mean to tell me he's got – "
The Sheppard's jaw dropped. "You mean she has the royal charm – "
They both released each other in shock.
"We could be cousins!"
"Or siblings!"
Dulcina made a face. "Let's not be melodramatic. If I kiss your cheek will you at least be able to take third place?"
"I… I guess," the man shrugged. "I don't really know how the whole thing works."
"Then if you do win, come back and kiss me on the cheek. I won't be a human but at least I won't be a frog. Stupid curses…"
"Right," the man said. "Okay."
She brushed his cheek with her lips.
He turned to leave, turned back with a little guilt in his eyes. "Thanks," he said. "Er. Meet me at the pond? Sundown?"
"Oh very funny. I'm not a frog yet, you know. Fine, whatever. Just be sure to come back!"
The sheppard nodded emphatically.
Dulcina waved to the shepard's back as he fled.
"He will return on time," promised God.
"Just, please, do me a favor?" Dulcina said.
"Anything for you," God wheedled.
"Don't make him roll for it."
3 comments:
I had to pull the fishhook out of my cheek to be able to talk, I swallowed it completely.
That is to say, you really had me going with the intro and I got a good chuckle at the sudden breaking of character.
I have no idea what this competition is about, or why the shepherd is competing, nor why he needs a kiss to win. I have no clue as to why Dulcina is cursed either.
However, with a tongue-in-cheek story like this, I really didn't find it impeding my enjoyment of it. Indeed, all of those half-mentioned details just go to reinforce the D&D stereotypes that this piece joyously jabs at. Naturally there's some kind of curse and +4 magical roses of seduction.
It was an easy read and left me amused. And sympathizing with a fear of dramatic story elements left to statistics ;)
Comments written as I read:
1. "Outstretched face": Not sure about this phrase. It conjures images of a Stretch Armstrong or something. But I'm not sure what I'd put in it's place.
2. "And my rose, that rose is magic, you know." Looks/reads a little awkwardly. Is that how it should be punctuated?
3. Hehe, cute. I was a little lost as to the nature of the competition, but the rest was quite clear.
4. "Or siblings." Seems a little uncommon parlance, but that may just be me.
5. I loved the gaming story that never broke the fourth wall. The voice of god and the dialog were pretty clever in telling a story about nerds we never saw. I enjoyed it very much and it made me laugh out loud.
I got a good giggle out of this. I'm madly curious about the contest, but it didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story.
My favorite line has to be: "Look, go find someone else to seduce? Someone weaker. Someone with better stats. Let GO." Although I'm not sure... is that supposed to be a question? Anyhow, I just love that "someone with better stats" bit. Hehe.
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