The door opened; the door closed. Invisible, silent, Claude was careful not to track mud on Vinny's rug lest the telltale moisture give his physical presence away.
Vinny was snoozing at his desk with his back to the door. No doubt his thugs were working Chicago's not-so-sunny streets for blood money. The crime lord hadn't done his own dirty work in half a decade.
Now for the scare of your life, old man.
"Vincent L. Tobelli Daniel the Third!" Claude boomed forcefully (and, if he would admit it, with a tad too much relish). "I have come to weigh the sins of your sad, sick soul!"
Vinny's chin jerked up from his chest. His chair swiveled a tad wildly. His eyes stopped on Claude, alert, glimmering.
Catlike, Claude stepped to the left in perfect silence, dodging the old man's gaze. Incredibly, Vinny's eyes followed his movement. The two men locked eyes.
Claude's jaw dropped.
"You... you can see me?" the invisible man stammered.
Vinny eyed him silently.
Experimentally, Claude waved his arms around. Obligingly, Vinny's eyes tracked the movement.
"You're unarmed," Vinny observed coolly. "Brave. I've killed men for interrupting my nap." He moved one finger over a button on his desk.
Reluctantly Claude lowered his arms. "Let's not be too hasty," he said, eying the button.
"You're unarmed, so that's bought you some time, luckily," Vinny assured him. "Now then. You were going to weigh the sins of my soul? Speak now, or forever hold your peace." Vinny's eyes glimmered, and Claude knew he was going to die.
The invisible man squared his shoulders. A job was a job, and Mrs. Brinn had paid handsomely in advance.
"Your soul is condemned for your hand in the murder of Charles Brinn," Claude announced, his voice a grave and authoritative weapon once more. "Forever shall he haunt your waking moments."
Claude paused, and the force of his voice deflated once more. "Normally, you aren't supposed to see me. Either you'd be scared into changing your ways or be driven crazy listening to my disembodied voice."
Lamely, he added, "I can see that won't work on you..."
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- Lacey's Write Club Blog
About Me
- Lacey
- Lacey Waymire is a journalist and mother living in the Sacramento area. Her work has appeared in the Escapist, Sacramento Bee, Colfax Record, and other publications.
Write Club
Write Club members are writers in California dedicated to creating something new each week. Constructive criticism from the group can only help us get better.
The rules - a new prompt is set every Thursday. Stories are due 8 days after that. Prompter tags the next prompter. Everyone must read and comment on each other's stories.
Why bear wrestling? Writing practice is kind of like wrestling a bear. Looming at six feet, it scares many people off without even needing to show its massive teeth.
The rules - a new prompt is set every Thursday. Stories are due 8 days after that. Prompter tags the next prompter. Everyone must read and comment on each other's stories.
Why bear wrestling? Writing practice is kind of like wrestling a bear. Looming at six feet, it scares many people off without even needing to show its massive teeth.
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All written works are the property of the author and cannot be sold, redistributed, copied, blah blah blah. Don't steal from me and I won't steal from you. Feel free to use the prompts, though - you can't copyright an idea!
Many thanks to morgueFile and ImageAfter contributors for providing free-use images to these blogs.
All written works are the property of the author and cannot be sold, redistributed, copied, blah blah blah. Don't steal from me and I won't steal from you. Feel free to use the prompts, though - you can't copyright an idea!
Many thanks to morgueFile and ImageAfter contributors for providing free-use images to these blogs.
6 comments:
That's such a weird story. You do a very good job of implying what a successful "haunting" would be without ever describing it, as that's not really part of this story. It's a very good short story in that it feels to me like every word serves a purpose in furthering the story. I would like a little more resolution at the end though, as it feels like it was left hanging. Perhaps even just adding a line with Vinny acknowledging Claude's point and pressing the button ("you done?" *push*).
I agree with Jason, largely. It's a great premise but I think it fizzles a little at the end. The haunting rocks and it has a great feel, though I think Vinny should speak a little more like a thug/tough/crime boss. As it is, I think he sounds a little over-cultured.
Loved this line: "Vincent L. Tobelli Daniel the Third!" Claude boomed forcefully (and, if he would admit it, with a tad too much relish)
I disagree with Jason and Erica. I think the ending served it's purpose quite well. We know what will happen - Vinny will hear what Claude came to say, and have him killed, most likely in a very violent way.
I think the ending was good because although it didn't provide closure to the story, it emphasized the prompt: Claude has to say what he has come to say to bring the tiniest bit of value to his eminent death.
...which is very punk rock.
What I would have liked a bit more of was a description of Vinny as a has-been mob boss as it were. We know he hasn't done the "doity woik" in a decade, but why? Did he just lose the passion for it? Was he too caught up in his now comfortable lifestyle and less interested in running a gang?
Thinking your plot backward and forward...
This was the sort of story where you read it and then start thinking...and your mind goes "hey...wait a minute..."
It is a good premise, but I got caught up afterwards thinking through the logic problems with the plot - both backwards and forwards.
The main issue: "is he really an invisible man, or just a whacko"?
You must assume he can actually turn invisible since the widow who hired him would likely have wanted some sort of demonstration. The button on Vinny's desk implies large men with guns and evil intent are close at hand, and thus he must have gotten past them somehow to get into Vinny's inner sanctum...
And so if he is indeed not just a whackjob and can turn invisible, then HOW is a two bit mobster like Vinny able to see him? Is this some sort of one-off sort of thing, or has Vinny taken some sort of magical precaution in this, his place of ultimate refuge?
And if you are a mobster, why kill a guy who can turn invisible and who apparently just showed up to scare you and not kill you outright? "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse ghost boy..." Call your boys in the room, rough him up a bit, threaten him and his family, scare the ever living daylights out of him, and then sic him on your worst enemy but this time with a GUN in his hand!
Thinking the plot back and forward can show logic flaws that will lead to reader distraction and help you solve them in advance. :)
Michael, excellent feedback! Thank you for jumping in! :)
You're right, there were a lot of holes. Some of them I had "solved" in my own head without ever committing them to paper - which doesn't help. It goes to show how difficult it can be to express ideas without assuming everyone knows exactly what you're talking about. I tried very hard to include only details that were necessary to tell the short story.
Going back, I'd have tried to express the idea that Claude has been invisible his whole life, and never once has he locked eyes with someone before, because NO ONE can see him.
I'd also have had Vinny pull a gun instead of hover over an alarm button (because, as Michael pointed out, the goons with guns can't see Claude).
Erica: you mentioned Vinny sounded over-cultured. In my mind he was Mr. Linderman from Heroes, though I never describe him as such (whoops!). Writing this in the Heroes mindset meant of course, sooner or later, one super would run into another who could undo his power (thus Vinny is able to see Claude).
As for the ending being dropped off... my plan is to continue the story next week. Consider this Part I.
:p
Sorry for my late contribution to the comments.
Personally, I was on the same page about Vinny's background. To me, he summoned images of Enrico Balazar, who looked the part of the stereotypical mafioso to the T, but spoke without trace of accent. Obviously he has left the dirty work behind because as a crime boss, it's beneath him, and he's involved in higher-level crime management, not because he lost the drive.
The only sticking point that I couldn't shrug off was how Vinny was able to see Claude, although in your response to Michael you've explained this.
As far as the ending goes, I think the line "Claude paused, and the force of his voice deflated once more" sorta cuases the end to deflate too.
I think I would have liked Claude to remark on how Vinny was supposed to go crazy at the sound of the disembodied voice earlier, maybe after he asks "You can see me?"
Then it would have ended with Claude saying his piece and leave us hanging with the epxpectation that Claude was about to die (though it would still leave it open for part 2).
Now, off to read part 2!
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