There was silence.
"Er," said Claude. "That's all."
Vinny sat back in his seat. His face twisted in displeasure, but his fingers withdrew mercifully from the button. "I have more sins than that, you know."
"Yes, sir," Claude agreed hastily. As an afterthought: "Most of your sins have probably never seen the daylight. There's no way I could recite them all."
"You could have found a lot more than one," Vinny's measured voice rebuked. "You could have researched. You could have spied on me. Or you could have made someone else spy on me for you. You could have walked in to the FBI office in Virginia, faked a memo or two, found their passwords, found their data on me, and destroyed it."
Claude blinked.
"In fact, that's what I'd like you to do," Vinny said, spreading his hands. "How does five grand and another shot at life sound?"
Claude, the Invisible Man, sat down with a wumph in the chair opposite Vinny.
Claude had always counted himself a "good at heart" kind of guy. Though no one in his life had been able to actually see him, somehow his mother and Sunday school teachers had connected enough with him to instill a sort of morality. Before a big decision, he would ask himself, "If the world were to end tomorrow, come Jesus and Satan both, to judge mankind, what's the decision I'd be proud to say I made?"
But this encounter led Claude to discover that his mother and Sunday school teachers had instilled something else deep inside him... something that no fear of mortal judgment could shake.
The moments that passed in heavy thought were short. "I want to be seen," Claude said decisively. "I want you to look me in the eyes and talk to me. So help me God, if you can do that - if you can teach me how and why you can see me - I'll do whatever you want."
Keeping Claude's gaze, Vinny nodded. The rings on his fingers glittered as he moved his hand to the button on his desk, and pressed it.
"Marco," Vinny said into the intercom, never breaking eye contact with the invisible man, "Get the limo ready. Gonna send the new hand to Langley."
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- Lacey's Write Club Blog
About Me
- Lacey
- Lacey Waymire is a journalist and mother living in the Sacramento area. Her work has appeared in the Escapist, Sacramento Bee, Colfax Record, and other publications.
Write Club
Write Club members are writers in California dedicated to creating something new each week. Constructive criticism from the group can only help us get better.
The rules - a new prompt is set every Thursday. Stories are due 8 days after that. Prompter tags the next prompter. Everyone must read and comment on each other's stories.
Why bear wrestling? Writing practice is kind of like wrestling a bear. Looming at six feet, it scares many people off without even needing to show its massive teeth.
The rules - a new prompt is set every Thursday. Stories are due 8 days after that. Prompter tags the next prompter. Everyone must read and comment on each other's stories.
Why bear wrestling? Writing practice is kind of like wrestling a bear. Looming at six feet, it scares many people off without even needing to show its massive teeth.
Other Wrestlers
Contact Me/Fine Print
To reach me please leave a comment.
All written works are the property of the author and cannot be sold, redistributed, copied, blah blah blah. Don't steal from me and I won't steal from you. Feel free to use the prompts, though - you can't copyright an idea!
Many thanks to morgueFile and ImageAfter contributors for providing free-use images to these blogs.
All written works are the property of the author and cannot be sold, redistributed, copied, blah blah blah. Don't steal from me and I won't steal from you. Feel free to use the prompts, though - you can't copyright an idea!
Many thanks to morgueFile and ImageAfter contributors for providing free-use images to these blogs.
6 comments:
I think this is a very good continuation of the first part of this piece.
You answer several vital questions and fill holes in part 1. Put them together and it makes it very satisfying. Even though we don't know why Vinny can see Claude, we know it's rare and special and it leaves us feeling that there will be answers, even if we never read them.
However, as far as the prompt goes, I didn't really get a sense of the end of the world. We get to see Claude's upbringing, and he considers the end of the world in this choice, but I don't feel like we the end of the world (in a literal sense like in Evan's hlocuast or a very srtretched sense like the zit in my story). There's sort of an *if* this were the end of the world...
That being said, I find myself very much sympathizing with Claude now. I can imagine that desperation to be seen, to be recognized, and I can't blame him for going along with Vinny...at least for now.
I think you have the beginnings of a very cool mystery here.
Careful now, Ar. Your prompt was only five words long. It can be taken to mean many things. One of the things I had originally thought of writing about was the literal end or edge of the world, as if it were still flat.
Lacey addresses the prompt in more than just a titular line (or in this case, a "promptular" line). She mentions that Claude thinks forward to Judgment Day and asks himself if he could testify to God and Satan that he was worthy of going to Heaven.
This is super character development as well because it generates sympathy for Claude (to think of the DISadvantages of being invisible: perpetual loneliness and isolation). In a heartbeat he chooses to try to satisfy a mortal desire to be seen instead of doing the right thing (which is to not work for a mob boss).
While coming from a slightly acute angle, I think the prompt of "the end of the world" was covered from a perspective that meteors and atomic bombs don't address: the choice to be morally responsible and the spiritual consequences we suffer (at the end of the world) based on our decisions.
I love Claude. I want to hear more about his previous work. Was his work solely as a "ghost" to scare people into resolving their problems with others, or did he do more unscruplulous things than breaking and entering?
I agree that Claude has some very cool character development, especially for a short story. I mentioned how I sympathize for him and can't find myself being able to blame him for partnering with Vinny. I like him.
I agree that Lacey incorporates the "end of the world," only I didn't feel that that part of it was strong enough that it came off as the main theme, element, or plot of the piece.
I think that part of that is because it is the second story in a chain, and it has a story arc, so the main point can't shift along with the prompts as much.
Maybe if that part of it were the climax of this story it would have carried the prompt better. If Claude was faced with death, or the chance to find out how and why Vinny can see him and he stopped himself if he'd be proud of his choice, with that decision being the climax. This habit of his when making choices is mentioned fairly off-hand though.
I'll be interested to see if Lacey continues this stroy into the enxt prompt :)
I don't think it's necessary for the prompts to be the "main theme" of the story... they're meant as inspiration or, barring that, a starting point for the week's writing.
Anyways, that being said...
I'm glad to see you continuing the story, Lacey, especially since you've admitted that you like really short fiction. I wonder if we'll get to hear more.
Claude is growing and I'm stoked to see it, though I'd love some foreshadowing of what's to come. Or is it in there and I just don't see it?
The line "I want to be seen" struck me as a bit of a strange one. This is a man who has made a living that seems to satisfy him a great deal on NOT being seen. I'm not sure I see why he is suddenly alright with being seen... I'm also curious if he mean just by Vinny or by everyone.
I liked the piece and hope for more :) I think the opening dialog is a little stiff, but smooths out pretty quickly.
>.> Does five grand seem like a small bribe to anyone else? Maybe it's just the inflation...
Okay, good point, Angel. The prompt is inspiration, I withdraw my comments, because whatever the prompt was, it certainly inspired a good story.
As far as the bribe goes, I guess I'm imagining that this is like in the 60's or something when 5 grand was a lot more money, but maybe my mind just placed the setting back then because I thought the bribe should be a lot.
Claude's made a living on not being seen, but Lacey tells us in this piece that he's always been invisible, so it's not like he had a lot of choice. We learn here that he has a buried need to be seen and recognized that matches his religious piety. Right now, I think he's happy just to have one person who can see him, though I I'm super interested to see if he will settle for a single friend who can see him, or if he will seek a way to make himself visible.
I ended up reading the 2nd part before the 1st. silly me, but it was an enjoyable read. It was very interesting that Vinny could see Claude, and i am curious about that as i am sure anyone else would be.
he had always been invisible in his life, so i could understand that he wants to be seen, I wonder if he would even see himself in the mirror.
Not being seen could of driven him crazy, some times i used to feel that way, like i wasn't being seen. But Claude truly wasn't and he was able to stay sane though out his life.
Indeed very cool mystery.
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